Ten of the Most Powerful Phrases You Could Ever Know
I’m about to save you ten years of hassle trying to find what works, and just give you a list of phrases that it took me over ten years of reading to discover.
The ones I’ve chosen are the cream of the crop and should cover you for most of the situations you will face in life: from having to persuade someone to do something, to saying no, to networking.
The cumulative effect of using these expressions and questions that I’ve experienced has been enormous – from securing job offers and promotions to developing wonderful new friendships to helping friends through mental health crises.
Have a read through. Commit to learning them by heart. And commit to using them in all your life situations.
Then let me know in ten years’ time how it all turned out.
1. “I have a rule that I don’t…”
Situation: How to say no respectfully.
Too often in life we spread ourselves too thin.
We find ourselves rushed off our feet unable to catch our breath, yet we look back on the day and wonder what we actually managed to accomplish.
Saying no to most things in life is the only way we will achieve greatness in the very few things that matter most to us.
So how do you say no without making someone feel bad or giving them space to carry on persuading you?
Tell them that you have a rule for yourself.
Someone asks you for drinks on a Thursday night? “Sorry, I’ll have to say no. I have a rule that I don’t drink on weekdays.”
Someone asks you to waiver a deposit you ask for when someone requests your services? “Sorry, I’ll have to say no. I have a rule that I don’t make exceptions on deposits.”
So why does this work?
First of all, a rule is a rule. Asking someone to break a rule is a big deal. So they will be less inclined to keep on persuading you.
Secondly, it’s not personal. You’re not saying no to them. The rule just doesn’t allow it. It doesn’t matter who it is, the rule is indiscriminate. It’s out of your control: it’s the rule saying no, not you.
It’s a lot easier for someone to accept a ‘no’ when they don’t feel like they’re being personally rejected.
Just make sure you actually stick to the rule!
2. “Does that sound reasonable?”
Situation: Negotiation in any context.
When you want to persuade someone to do something, whether it’s to let you borrow their lawnmower or give you a promotion, consider what you can do to mitigate their concerns.
For example, you want a promotion but your employer is concerned that you might not be able to achieve the results expected in a new role and it will reflect poorly on them. You could suggest that you perform the responsibilities of the new role in your current role on a trial basis for a month and if you meet agreed targets, they commit to publicly promoting you.
And when you put this suggestion to your employer, you ask “Does that sound reasonable?”
It is very hard for someone to tell you that what you are saying sounds unreasonable.
Unless of course, it is! Which is why you need to think about the mitigation of their concerns too when you put an offer to them.
3. “Why do you think that?”
Situation: Disagreeing without confrontation.
If you want to learn to challenge people or disagree without confrontation, the most helpful thing you can do is Google ‘Motivational Interviewing’ and get reading. Or better still, learn from a qualified counsellor who uses this method.
One of the principles of motivational interviewing is to help bring to light the discrepancies in an individual’s thoughts and behaviour in an empathetic and reflective manner.
If you disagree with someone, you’d rationally assume it is because either your logic has followed a different path from theirs or you have different evidence available to you on which to base your conclusion.
This may be true, but it’s much more likely that any number of the 200+ psychological biases have a heavy influence over your respective conclusions – an irrational (but far more human) thought process.
You need to be able to understand someone’s path they took a conclusion. Asking them why they think what they do can help reveal where biases might be at play or where something really is backed by logic or evidence.
This is where the discrepancies start to come to light.
You might not even need to say anything before the person realises by talking through their thought process how it is flawed.
Hold this as a conversation, not an argument. Make it clear that you come from a place of curiosity and learning, not judgement or criticism.
You might even discover that they have evidence or logic you hadn’t accounted for in your own thought process and you change your own conclusion.
You are truly coming from a place of learning when you’re open to the idea that you might be the one in the wrong.
4. “Is everything OK?”
Situation: Managing difficult behaviour calmly.
“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” – Hanlon’s Razor.
When someone behaves in a way that appears disrespectful, incompetent or confrontational, rarely do they do it from a place of bad intentions. It just seems like that to us: we attribute the behavioural symptom to a cause that we have misdiagnosed.
It’s actually rather egotistical to keep assuming that we are the sole cause of someone’s behaviour – that we have upset or angered them and they’re now retaliating. There are many things occurring in a person’s life that influence their behaviour that we are completely unaware of. That even they may be unaware of.
Hanlon’s Razor suggests we start by assuming the behaviour is attributable to stupidity. And whilst that may be the case for some, I prefer to come at it from a place of compassion and assume that the behaviour is down to a difficulty that person is experiencing.
Take for example an employee who has previously shown a good record of performance. But as of late, their performance has declined. They show less enthusiasm, they work less, they’re short-tempered, they don’t get the results expected of them.
If you genuinely want to resolve the issue then rather than make the assumption that the employee is just out to cause to trouble, assume something has happened in their life that is making it harder for them to stay invested in the work.
Talk with them.
Point out the facts you’ve observed about their behaviour and performance changing and ask, ‘Is everything OK?’ Then just let them speak all they need.
It’s much easier to get to the bottom of what’s going on when someone feels like they’re being cared for rather than judged or reprimanded.
And even if they really are doing it out of pure malice, this question still works because it kills them with kindness – it’s much harder to be confrontational with someone who seems to be on your side.
This question also works really well when you want to get someone to put their phone away. You’re having dinner together, they take their phone our their pocket and start scrolling, you want them to put it away but don’t want to sound confrontational: ‘Is everything OK?’ ‘Yes.’ *Phone goes away.*
Works. Every. Time.
5. “That’s so interesting! Tell me more.”
Situation: Becoming a great conversationalist.
There’s a misperception that in order to be perceived as a great conversationalist, you need to be really good at talking. You don’t.
In fact, the more you talk, the more you risk alienating the other person in the conversation.
Why?
Ego.
Who is the most important and interesting person in your life? You.
Who is the most important and interesting person in my life? Me.
If I want you to believe that you are important and interesting to me, who do we talk about? You.
If you appear curious and interested in someone, then talking to you will make them feel good. The better they feel about themselves, the more they will want to talk with you. And the more they will say they enjoyed the conversation.
So be a good listener. Ask open-ended questions. Smile and nod as you listen. Remark on what they’ve said. Ask them to keep talking. Tell them how interesting you find them.
Leave you and your ego out of the conversation and let them do the talking. It really is as easy at that.
6. “I have a preference for…”
Situation: Managing your own anxieties.
We have a habit of attaching to specific outcomes.
Our brain likes certainty. It likes to be able to predict what’s going to happen next. It’s hard-wired into us. The ability to predict an outcome is what increases our chances of staying alive. It’s no wonder we attach ourselves so tightly to having things turn out a particular way and avoid situations where we can’t predict the outcome.
We attach ourselves to wanting outcomes of love, appreciation, respect, status, inclusion, longevity, resources, survival. Anything that threatens the certainty of achieving these outcomes is a great source of anxiety in our lives. This explains why the most common phobia is public speaking. We can’t guarantee that we’ll achieve an outcome of respect or inclusion.
But we can re-wire this habit to reduce our anxieties by reframing our language.
Instead of ‘I want’ or ‘I need’, talk in terms of ‘preferences’ to break this unbending attachment to outcomes.
“I have a preference for gaining a particular status. But if that doesn’t turn out to be the case, I can accept it.”
“I have a preference for being accepted by my family. But if that doesn’t turn out to be the case, I will manage.”
It also works well managing everyone’s expectations (including your own) when being asked for an opinion.
If at work your team is asked about what it thinks should happen regarding the proposed cuts to the budget, explain what you have a ‘preference’ for.
This way, you show both yourself and your colleagues that you have a considered opinion and can be decisive, but that you remain flexible if the situation requires it.
7. “It seems like…”
Situation: Demonstrating active listening.
If you want people to feel like they’re being heard, stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and actively listen without your internal monologue. That’s a lot easier said than done.
But it is easier if you listen with the intention of just paraphrasing what the other person has said rather than offering a solution or an opinion. You can’t paraphrase properly until you’ve heard the totality of something anyway.
Once they’ve finished speaking, take some time to pause. This also gives them a chance to add anything they might have forgotten. Or even better, they opt to give your more information they were less willing to disclose in order to fill an awkward silence.
But once they’re truly finished speaking, give yourself some time to reflect on everything they said. Draw out the key messages or issues. Repeat them back to them to check your understanding and show you were listening.
If someone tells you, “I emailed my proposal to my manager at work today about the new project but he didn’t acknowledge it. He never acknowledges my emails. I work so hard for him but he never says thank you or well done. I want to progress in my career but I’m not sure how I can do that if I stay here. Then again, I would really miss my colleagues if I left. I’m not sure I could.”
You might respond, “It seems like you feel unappreciated by your manager and that you’re not sure whether to leave the company?”
This particular type of paraphrasing is called ‘labelling’ because it usually tries to attach a new word to sum up the emotion felt.
You can also use: “It sounds like…”, “It feels like…”, “It looks like…”.
This technique serves two purposes:
a) It makes you better at listening in the first place because you’re focused on the entirety of what someone says and don’t need to be distracted thinking about what you’re going to say next.
b) It makes you seem like a good listener because it reassures the other person you listened to everything they said and understood their key issues well enough to be able to paraphrase back to them and label what they’re feeling.
8. “Do you have some questions you want to ask me?”
Situation: Guaranteeing a response from someone.
The magic word in this phrase is some.
It might feel more natural to ask “Do you have any questions you want to ask me?” But if you really do want someone to ask you questions, then swap any for some.
The specificity of the word some is more likely to prompt a specific thing to come to mind in the responder. They might already have something specific in mind that it now feels like you’re referring to.
The word any is too broad and vague to help conjure up concrete responses very easily.
And this applies to any combination of any- and some- words.
“Do you have anything in mind?” Or “Do you have something in mind?”
- Any – change to some.
- Anything – change to something.
- Anyone – change to someone.
- Anywhere – change to somewhere.
You see where I’m going with this.
Of course if you’ve just done a presentation and you don’t want to get asked questions, it will be safer to say “Do you have any questions you want to ask me?”
Or better yet, don’t ask them at all!
9. “What can I do to help?”
Situation: Supporting someone who is struggling with their mental health.
Whenever someone is struggling with poor mental health, talking about it to someone is often biggest and hardest step.
An individual who is suffering cannot be sure how the other person will respond. They risk a lot by opening up even if there is much to gain.
What if the person they’re telling doesn’t respond with kindness or empathy? What if that person tells other people? What if that person doesn’t understand? What if they judge? What if they make it all about them? What if they start treating them differently now? What if they don’t take it seriously? What if they cut off contact?
If you find yourself in a situation where someone is opening up to you, hopefully you will respond with kindness and empathy.
Your initial reaction may well go a step beyond that. You might be tempted to try ‘fix’ the situation and offer lots of advice and solutions.
But if this is the first time someone is opening up, then what they probably need most at that moment is just to be heard and felt heard.
If you want to signal to someone that you’re there to support them without becoming a self-appointed psychologist, just ask them “What can I do to help?”
It’s far more empowering and focused on them than any solution you could offer yourself.
It gives them permission to tell you what they need from you.
And most of the time it’s something as simple as “Just listen”, “Just be patient with me”, or “I just need a hug.”
Don’t leave it there though. Opening up to you might be the first step in their journey to getting better but it shouldn’t end there. Make sure you support them to find any professional help they might require.
10. “Hi, my name’s Alexa. Do you want to play?”
Situation: Networking.
This is not a literal phrase to use, but I love the spirit of playfulness that it embodies.
The writer I got this from was an only child. And an incredibly shy one at that.
She explained how being an only child forced her to put herself out of her comfort zone. She would have to approach other children if she was ever going to be able to play with other children.
Two things struck me about how adults can learn from this.
Firstly, just how easy it is to approach someone. All you have to do to broker an introduction is physically go up to someone and say “Hi, my name is….”.
You will say ‘But it’s not as easy as that.’ Sure there are a whole heap of social anxieties we need to overcome. But if you want to list out the process or write the script of networking: that’s it! So, yeah – it really is that simple.
Stop waiting for people to come to you. They have the same social anxieties. Their internal voice will probably thank you for being the one to break the ice.
Secondly, how wonderful an invitation is to ‘play’ is, no matter how old you are.
Going from child to adult, you don’t suddenly lose the desire to be happy, be loved and be included. These are innate human needs.
An invitation makes someone feel included. Like they matter.
An invitation to something fun is even better.
So what does this look like as an adult then?
“Hi, my name is Alexa.
- Can I get you a drink?
- Would you like to dance?
- Do you want to be in our group?
- Will you join our table?
- Do you mind if we pair up?
- Do you fancy a chinwag?
- Is there anyone I can help introduce you to?”
Just assume that whatever your worries and anxieties are – everyone else shares them. And whatever your needs and desires as a human being are – everyone else shares them.
We are already far more connected to each other than we realise, so let’s just introduce ourselves and play.
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